Maui... Wowie! (An Island Paradise)

If paradise on Earth exists, then surely it must be Maui. The second largest of Hawaii's six islands, Maui is an enchanting mix of beach, mountain and steamy jungle. Surprisingly, the most important words you will need in Maui are not sunblock, coconut, or even 'Aloha', but 'Spam' and 'POG'.

Yes, Spam. The canned meat product is inexplicably quite the popular food item on Maui; Spam pot stickers are for sale at convenience stores, and one sushi restaurant even jokingly lists a $500 'Spam Musubi' item on its menu. If Spam is the 'staple' food of the island, then POG is its signature beverage. This sweet concoction of passion fruit, orange, and guava juices is available at every eatery and supermarket; its tangy, refreshing flavor perfectly captures the essence of the island.

Canned meat and fruit juice aside, Maui has much to offer, for everyone from the laziest sun worshipper to an adventure seeking globe trotter. Just beyond Kahului Airport are fields of grassy sugar cane; the air is heavy with the cloying, candied scent of burning sweetness. In the distance loom the Haleakala and Mauna Kahalawai mountains, their peaks swathed in ever present clouds. No matter where you're from, you're a long way from home baby.

Beaches

Ringed by 120 miles of coastline, Maui has some of the most stunning beaches in the world, and there's one to fit every style. Many travelers begin their tour of Maui beaches at Makena Beach State Park. Makena boasts 2 distinct beaches; 'Big Beach' features a seemingly endless expanse of white sand, and is popular with families. Just a short hike over some jagged rocks takes one to 'Little Beach'; this surfside stretch is the de facto gay beach. It could be the sparkling blue waters, or perhaps it's the fact that this is Maui's only nude beach. Note that most of the naked bodies belong to members of the AARP set; the word that comes to mind when seeing what's on display is 'wizened'. Just beyond the sand lays a tangle of gnarled trees dubbed 'The Enchanted Forest', where the nude dudes go to 'hang out' after a nice dip in the water. Be on the lookout for local personality 'Dr.Leisure', a hybrid of grizzled old hippie and Yoda like wise man. We came across his van in the parking lot, and it was a spectacle; it was adorned with Xmas lights, deer antlers and an actual working fountain featuring a Barbie doll. Groovy!

The area known as Waillea is home to Mokapu and Ulua beaches. Both of these side by side sites offer fantastic snorkeling; the warm waters host all manner of delightful undersea creatures, but watch out for the jagged rocks that pepper the shoreline. Mokapu is usually the less crowded option.

If sea turtles are your thing, your first snorkeling destination should be Maluaka Beach, aka 'Turtle Town'. Located just beyond the Maui Prince Hotel, the waters off of this beach are frequently teeming with these beloved marine reptiles. One can't help but watch in awe as these large creatures gracefully navigate the animated Hawaiian waters, their undulating, paddle like arms giving them the appearance of undersea angels as they emerge from and vanish into the hazy depths.
My favorite coastline on Maui belongs to the adjoining Honalua Bay and Slaughterhouse Beach. Honalua (under threat of development- visit savehonalua.org) offers the best snorkeling I have experienced anywhere in the world. Shallow sea beds give way to deep channels and walls of jagged coral. The sights here are spectacular- pufferish, yellow tangs, curious Blue Jacks, schools of needlefish, black urchins, and bright orange sea pencils. And yes, sea turtles. There is no sand here; the 'beach' is a band of stones and rocks, some large enough to sun oneself on, others small and craggy. Honolua is reached by parking your car on the side of the road and journeying through a path that weaves downhill through a quiet, stunning tropical forest.

Slaughterhouse Beach can be accessed by a long set of concrete steps, and does have a small but beautiful ribbon of white sand. Mornings are the calmest times for Maui's waters; once the afternoon winds kick in, things can get rough. Fabulous for windsurfers and body board fans, not so much for gentle laps along the shore. I was knocked down repeatedly by the surging waves, even losing my mask and snorkel gear in the roiling tide. Damn you, Pacific Ocean! Before hitting any of the beaches, grab a bottle of 'Amazing Maui Babe' browning lotion; you'll smell like teriyaki sauce, but you'll tan to a nice golden brown.

Activities

There is so much to do in Maui, a week simply isn't enough; stay for as long as you can! There is a wealth of outdoor activities. One of the highlights is Maui Eco-Adventures' 'Rainforest/Waterfall Hike'. A five mile journey through a wonderfully lush tropical rainforest, and over 2 suspension bridges (I was feeling very Romancing the Stone), the hike climaxes with a swim in a refreshing fresh water pool, underneath a cascading waterfall. They even serve you lunch- I was living for the passion fruit/Thai Chile sauce. Our guide, Bryce, was friendly and knowledgeable, pointing out plants along the way such as KuKui (Candlenut) Hau flower and Kona Coffee. Not to be missed!

Take a drive down to the end of Makena Alanui Road in South Maui, and check out the 'Lava Fields' at La Perouse Bay. A stunning expanse of brick red lava rock, the setting calls to mind a scorched alien landscape. Walk along the craggy grounds and you will find an active blowhole, spewing ocean water into the air with explosive energy; spinner dolphins are often sighted just offshore.

A fabulous morning...

Boat trips are a popular option for exploring the waters of Maui. Boarding the Alii Nui catamaran for a morning sail (arranged through Maui Dive Shop), we were treated to a lovely breakfast, as well as delicious fresh ginger ale for those queasy, fragile beings prone to motion sickness (ahem). Once we had set anchor, the passengers took to the waters to snorkel (gear provided), enjoying the varied marine creatures that flourish amongst the coral reef. Lunch was presented soon after, followed by some delicious champagne, served by the boat's friendly and very suntanned crew. Top notch all the way. A more 'family style' snorkel sail is offered by Trilogy Excursions; the Discover Lanai Sunrise Sail was indeed an all day affair that had plenty of children on board. The crew was friendly (and damn cute!), but this definitely had a slightly more down market vibe than the Maui Dive Shop trip; the 'breakfast' was a cinnamon roll, and while the snorkeling off of the beach at Lanai (a separate island about 9 miles from Maui) was quite spectacular, towels are not provided, a huge flaw. I had sand in crevices I didn't even know my body had. A guided van tour of the island (population 3,000) proved interesting and amusing; our charming driver let us know that Lanai has a "zero percent high school drop out rate." Sure honey, maybe that's because your alphabet has only 12 letters! Fun, and the BBQ chicken lunch was great, but bring your own towel and be prepared to be out on the water for a long, long time.

...and an excellent day trip

The famous Maui destination 'The Road to Hana' is definitely worth a day of your trip. A twisting drive through the narrow road along the island's Eastern shore is by turns exhilarating, eye popping and somewhat numbing - it's a long drive, honey. Start early - say, the crack of dawn - to beat the crowds, bring food, and skip Twin Falls, the first waterfall on the journey; amazing sights lay ahead. We 'discovered' a red sand beach, amazingly exotic plant life, and at the 'Seven Pools', we climbed over steep rocks to revel in the cool, bubbling waterfalls, nature's Jacuzzi. An unforgettable experience and the setting lends itself to some very windswept 'America's Next Top Model' moments. You might want to bring Dramamine for the trip; three exhausting hours of lurching, hairpin turns can make this more like the Road to Nausea.

In true Hawaiian tradition, there are several luaus to choose from on Maui; they vary in price and fabulousness, but one factor is consistent. You will be trying poi, and it will be like eating wallpaper paste. Give it a taste, knock back a Mai Tai and enjoy the hula dancers. For something a little different, take a visit to the 'Boo Boo Zoo', aka East Maui Animal Refuge.

Eating Out

All of this swimming and hiking can build up quite an appetite; luckily, Maui has plenty of options for stuffing your pineapple hole. The Hula Grill Kaanapali is a fun and popular beachside restaurant. The menu is brief, the food is good; macadamia encrusted mahi mahi (like buttah), Steak Kiana, Baked Hawaii cocooned in a beehive of toasted coconut; but it's the ambience you come for. From the entrance lined with oversized Philodendron leaves and lit tiki torches to the live music and stunning, ocean view sunsets, dinner at the Hula Grill Kaanapal is festive, dramatic and quintessentially tropical.

David Paul's Lahaina Grill has been voted 'Best Maui Restaurant' 14 years in a row, and with good reason; it's an island culinary experience not to be missed. From the tantalizing starters - including the excellent Reconstructed California Roll and Sweet Kula Corn Soup, to the main courses such as their legendary Tequila Shrimp and Firecracker Rice, right through to dessert - I sampled the tangy, refreshing Iao Valley Lime Tart - the food is expertly prepared and flawlessly presented. Darn tasty too! The vibe here is relaxed elegance, the service is outstanding and the prices are moderately high. Simply fantastic. As its name implies, this wonderful restraint is located in the area of Maui called 'Lahaina', though I have dubbed it LaHeinous; crowded Front Street, the main drag, is like every tourist trap strip in the world, tacky and overpriced, not to mention that blazing sun. Aside from David Paul's, a Maui must... skip it.

Down in Kihei, Peggy Sue's is a 50's style diner that proved to be kitchsy fun while serving up some delicious eats. The d?cor gets you in the mid-20th century mood; photos of Lucy and James Dean; a genuine Wurlitzer jukebox and huge stand ups of Betty Boop and Elvis complete the scene. The menu selections play along with burgers like 'Great Balls of Fire' (Jalapeno with Cheese) and 'Good Golly Miss Molly'-(Teriyaki & Pineapple), served with a side of fries and washed down with a Mango-n-Cream shake or a 'Blue Lagoon' Vanilla Sprite beverage. The bubbly waitresses wear pink uniforms straight out of American Graffiti. Like, crazy man!

Lodging

There are countless places to stay on Maui, but only one that is exclusively devoted to the gay and lesbian traveler. The Maui Sunseeker, located in Kihei is a beautiful 16 room hotel situated along Mai Poina 'Oe La'u Beach. Coconut Palms swaying in the afternoon Kihei winds and the sound of the surf crashing into shore immerse you in the island experience. The rooms are clean and comfortable, many with ocean views, and the Sunseeker provides a complimentary snack basket, laundry facilities and use of beach towels. WiFi is also complimentary for those of you who just simply cannot unplug.

The grounds of the Sunseeker feature a lovely tropical garden with trickling waterfall fountain, as well as two hot tubs and a clothing-optional rooftop lanai. Sun your buns far from prying eyes, then soak in the warm, bubbling Jacuzzi as spotted doves and java sparrows frolic nearby. There is even a massage room available to have one of the trained masseurs (available by appointment) work those scuba diving kinks out of your bod. The staff is friendly and accommodating, the service was perfect and the ambience of the hotel was casual and highly comfortable. The Sunseeker is the number one choice with Maui's gay visitors for all the right reasons.

There isn't an official 'gay scene' on Maui, though bars and restaurants around town host gay parties and drag shows on a somewhat inconsistent basis. Check Hawaii's gay magazine 'DaKine' for an updated schedule. At the time of this writing, a drag queen named 'Cha Cha Frenzy' seems to be the island's reining diva, hosting a four hour long Pacific Island tranny pageant. In case you were wondering, the island dudes are perfectly tan and totally hairless. Not a 5 o'clock shadow in the bunch!