Up All Night to Get Lucky? - Sexy or Obsessive?

Hearing that particular song on the radio almost every day, even from the Russian Military Police at the Winter Olympics in Sochi, brought up images for me of how so many of us gays would "cruise" all night trying to "get lucky."

Of course what I found particularly amusing with the Russian police singing that particular song, was that I was cocksure that they were not referring in any way to gay sex! After all, gay sex is outlawed in that country and with that group in particular; the enforcers of that heinous legislation.

Fortunately for us, we live in a country where our professional athletes can freely choose to "come out of the closet" in a very public forum, and our president advocates for gay rights and marriage within his political platform and personal beliefs.

On the topic of pursuing sex to get happy, there is no doubt that the pursuit of sex in 2014 has changed a good deal from when I "came out of the closet" in the early seventies. With today's technology, most everyone is cruising on the internet on Manhunt or Grindr, among a varied choice of other sites toward getting lucky; choosing his computer rather than the bar to reach his personal goal.

For those who rather indulge in that face to face interaction of meeting that sexy guy at a bar or club, nothing can beat the thrill of meeting that "hot guy" and the sexual charge that comes with that first meeting. Unfortunately, staying out all night looking to meet that right guy can become an obsession that rarely, if ever, becomes fully satisfied.

As with the internet, too much of a "good thing" can come with consequences. For we all know friends who never seem to leave their apartments choosing to use their computer as their central means for finding sexual gratification in their quest for love, if one can ever refer to "one night stands" as love.

Why so? Well, there is always the potential of having too much sex or, falling into a proverbial "dark hole," where obsession takes over and you lose yourself in your quest to satisfy that overwhelming need for sexual gratification, similar to any drug or alcohol addiction.

In his book "Cruise Control: Understanding Sexual Addiction in Gay Men," Richard Weiss attempts to describe the sexual behaviors of gay men that can be viewed as bordering on addictive: "And for some, this addiction is more difficult to diagnose than in others. Such as the case with gay men. For some gay men who are fully committed to open sexual choices and experiences, modifying their sexual behavior and restricting their sexual freedoms is like going back in time and surrendering to the homophobic attitudes found in more conservative cultures. It just doesn't feel right." (2013)

Whether it feels right or not, the alternative to not modifying any obsessive behavior can result with finding oneself in an almost "living hell!" Or, it could become one of my personal visions of Hell, where I am walking around and around in a circle within the confines of a dark bar without ever coming in contact with anyone for all eternity! Very frightening and something I now choose to avoid at all costs!

So, gentlemen, for anyone reading this article with a similar fear in mind, consider other choices for your free time activity or, at least attempt to modify your behavior if at all possible. Otherwise, consider seeking professional help or, Twelve Step groups such as Sexual Compulsive Anonymous which can be easily found at the Gay Community Center in Greenwich Village and many other centers throughout this country.

But, most importantly, consider what choices you are making in life and whether those choices truly work for, or, against you. And with this particular topic at hand, ask yourself whether the choices you are making are based on feelings of negative self worth or, within my principal focus of study, "gay shame," and how shame can affect the lives of gay men in detrimental ways.

In consideration of enjoying a long and healthy life, have fun but play safe, and try to be honest with the choices you make in keeping yourself out of harm's way.

In the words of Mahatma Ghandi, "Nobody can hurt me without my permission." So, try not to stay up all night in your pursuit of sex obsessively, and when you get tired, go to sleep! After all, no one is sexy with "bags under his eyes."